When No doesn't ALWAYS Mean NO!!

My news feed is filled right now with people who are denouncing Rape Culture. It's also filled with people who are angry at men who have no respect for women. If you know me you know that I seldom, if ever, engage in political arguments. In my opinion it is an exercise in futility and I have much better things to do. However, I do want to speak to all the women out there that are angry about Bill Clinton, and Donald Trump, and any other man who thinks that a women is their play toy.

Please note that I am NOT victim blaming or shaming. There is nothing that you can do, say, or wear that excuses a man from touching you without your full consent (inside OR outside of a relationship). However, Women WE MUST stop sending men mixed signals in our everyday lives. If no means no before/during/and after sex, then NO has to mean NO in all other aspects of our relationships. Here's what I mean...

Man: Do you want a gift for your birthday/Christmas?
Woman: No. You don't have to get me anything.
What you actually mean is for him to try harder, to know that you really do want something, and surprise you. Then when he doesn't, because he thought No meant no, you get mad!

Man: What's wrong? Do you want to talk?
Woman: Nothing, No I'm Fine.

What you actually mean is that you want him to work harder, read your mind, and figure it out on his own. Then when he doesn't, because he thought no meant no, you get mad.

Man: Do you want me to come with you?
Woman: No, it's fine. You can stay here.

What you mean is that you want him to want to come, but want him to know that, and to come on his own. Then when he doesn't come, because he thought no meant no, you get mad.

Man: Do you want to go out with me this weekend

Woman: No, I don't think so
What you mean is that you want him to prove that he really is into you. You want him to plan it all, and sweep you off your feet, or at the very least keep trying, because you don't want to seem too available. Yet, again, anger ensues when he took your no for a no and made plans with his buddies.

Man: Do you want to fool around/have sex/take off your clothes?
Woman: NO

What you really mean is NO, but what we have trained men to think is that NO means try harder. No means if I don't do this she will actually get mad. On the other hand there are a hand full of women who say no and actually do mean yes. You can see where the confusion sets in. If we take the consent as explained by tea video into account it's like you saying no you don't want tea and then getting ticked because no one made you tea! You said you didn't WANT the tea!!!

I assure you that my son is going to grow up making A LOT of girls mad, because I will always teach him that NO means no, that it applies to everything, and that if a girl want him to try harder she can stop sending him mixed signals. On the other hand I will teach my daughter that her no is always no and that if she means something else she better say it.

Again, if you have been raped or assaulted, inside of a relationship, or by a total stranger, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! But we must start meaning what we say and saying what we mean. Does that mean that sexual assault and rape will stop. NO! There will always be men (and woman for that matter) who are sick and won't take no for an answer, but it will help with blurred line. It will go a long way in empowering females and it takes away one of the main victim blaming arguments!

Plus it will make all of your relationships so much easier and I promise your Significant Other will appreciate it!

Sharing Mother's Day:: The Lesson of Infinite Love

If someone would have asked me 10 years ago if I would ever get a divorce my answer would have been, “no”.  A resounding “oh no, not ever”.  I would have said, “even if things were terrible there is no way that I would share my kids”.   Let’s be honest I did say those things.  I used those exact words, “I could never share my kids”, “They will NEVER have another Mother! I am their ONLY mom”.  It’s funny how life has a way of making you reevaluate and take back your “nevers”.  

When I was saying those words, and truly meaning them (at the time), I had no idea that one day I would be hearing the words, “Mom, we took her to eat for Stepmom’s Day”, and I most certainly would have never dreamed that my response would be, “that is so exciting!! Did you guys make her something or get her a gift? It’s her first official Mother’s Day!”  You see my kids have been blessed with a kind, gentle, funny, and amazingly loving other mother.  They beam at the thought of spending time with her and their dad.  They love her! I love her! She has no obligation to love them, but she does, and she does it well!

The truth is, on this first Mother’s Day that I am sharing, I couldn’t be more delighted. Yes, delighted!!! As I navigate not being their only mom, what I have come to realize, is that even if I were still married, I wouldn’t have been their only mother!  There is no way that I could ever teach my kids all the things that they need to learn.  Help them through all the situations that they will face as they get older.  Fanaticize as I might about being the greatest (okayest) mom on the planet, they will always, ALWAYS, look to other people for advice! It is my job to point them to those people when what I have to say just won’t do!

My mom and I are, and have always been, extremely close.  She is my truest confidant, she has seen it all, heard it all, and walked every step of every journey with me! She has always spoken truth to me and encouraged me when I was sick (emotionally, spiritually, and physically). She is generous with her time and money, she is beautiful inside and out, and she is one of the most incredible women I have ever met. When I say that I hope to be just like her when I grow up I mean that! However, I was not just raised by my incredible parents. I have a list of other women that have pouring into me at various times in my life. All of these women have been “mom’s” to me at times.  At this very moment there are two women that I would introduce as “my other mother”, and that has no impact on how I feel about my mom! Funny enough just the other day she said, "have you talked to your other mother about this?"

The true beauty of my mom is that she taught me to seek other women when I needed them. She encouraged me to go to them when I needed more than what she could give me at the time.  What she didn’t know is that she was teaching me everyday that it was okay to have “other mothers”.  A lesson that is now serving me oh so well! She taught me that there is no limit to love! That it doesn’t run out! To assume that I am, or will always be the only person that my kids love like a mom is selfish.  It’s like saying they can’t love more than one pet, or love more than one friend, or later in life love more than one of their kids the same!  Them loving her as much as they love me could never diminish their love for me. It teaches them that love is infinite and should be given freely.

When it comes down to Mother’s Day and sharing my kids, the only thing I can think is, Thank you God!! Thank you for giving my kids so many women that have already poured into their lives.  Thank you for blessing us all with a stepmom who is the absolute best. I will never be their only mother, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that it does not change how much they love me, need me, or will come to me when it really gets ugly.  It simply increases how much they are loved, so you better believe that I will “share” them with as many other women as I need to, to ensure that the love they feel is overflowing!

To all the moms out there who helped raise me, and all the moms past, present, and future, who are and will help raise my kids.  Thank You!! Happy Mother’s Day!

The Relationship Lineup:: A Baseball Analogy

If you have read any of my blogs over the last 18 months you will know that I have been utterly obsessed with relationships. On multiple occasions I have sat down and really analyzed the role that various people play in my life.   This week I asked myself, “What is your motivation for sustaining your relationships?”   In all honesty it is because I could identify the purpose that each person was serving in my life or that I was serving in his or her life. I found value in each one that I thought about. Each purpose was different but none of them more or less important than another.  

As I was thinking I began placing people in my personal relationship lineup. Mostly because I am having baseball withdrawals but that is another story! While trying to figure out where everyone would go, I started thinking about an ideal world, and where I would put my significant other (to be clear I’m still not dating).  My knee jerk was that they would be my #1, my stud, my lead off, and then I realized, I don’t want my significant other to be my lead off hitter!! The lead off hitter only has one job (albeit an important one)! "The" person better be able to bat clean up or they are for sure not the one! 

So I present to you The Relationship Lineup! If you can fill a whole lineup with the following types of people you are one lucky individual.  

1.  The lead off batter gets everything started.  They set the pace, start the fire, and get the whole team hyped up.  This is the person that is stable and steady.  They are always there to help you see the bigger picture, keep you on track and motivate you when you are down. You can always count on them!
2. The two spot is your ride or die batter! This person is there to lay down sacrifices with no questions asked.  They pick you up when they need to, and they keep you moving when you aren’t sure if you are going in the right direction.  They are all about making sure you get where you are going safely, and they are okay with laying their self on the line to make sure it happens!
3. The three hitter is the person that has got your back in more ways than one! They bring variety to the table.  If they need to sacrifice they can do that, if they need to get things started, hey they can do that too! This person is often your last chance person. You are out of time, out of ideas, and you are going to them in pinch. All the while hoping (and ultimately knowing) they can help you out of a jam. Sometimes they are just there to keep things flowing, keep you relaxed, and keep you focused.
4. The person batting clean up well THIS IS YOUR PERSON!! You trust them more than anyone else on the team.  They aren’t scared of a challenge and all the crazy of the game doesn’t phase them. You know they are going to get the job done no matter what. When everything is going wrong they become the lead off hitter and are there to get you back on track.  If everything is going perfect they are there to elevate that perfection with a grand slam.  They can play the role of each of the batters ahead of them and do it with confidence.   You never question them because there is nothing this person can't do and you believe in them with your whole heart. When the game is ugly this is person you hope is holding the bat. 
5. This batter is your all or nothing friend.  You don’t always need them, and you may not always call on them, but they are always there if you do.  They are kind of the unsung heroes of the lineup.
6. I will actually address 6-9 here.  These are your people that you never know what you are going to get.  Sometimes they are there and you are really close to them.  Sometimes they are just kind of in the background and you hope you don’t have to ask them to do anything substantial.  They are still important, because in the event you really really need them they have the ability to step up, but they aren’t always who you are counting on when you need the big plays.

2016 Day One:: Grey Looks Good on You!

            I remember typing my New Year’s Blog last year and it feels like it was yesterday. I remember how comfortable I felt walking into 2015 and how ready I was to conquer it.  From day one it was my mission to find happiness exactly where I was at. To learn exactly who I was and who I wanted to be. To love my life so fiercely that I didn’t need anyone else’s approval. I revisited my past, and took a long hard look at all of the pieces that made me who I am. I got rid of some of those pieces and the rest I’m using to rebuild something amazing.     

             The hardest part of 2015 was living most of it in the grey zone! I love definitive. My mind is a state of compartmentalized beauty.  I have compartments for everything. If I can’t fit someone or something into a compartment, then they just don’t get to stay, because I do not operate well in the grey-zone.  I spent a good amount of 2015 trying to define thing that can’t be defined. Trying to make things fit into a conclusive spot in my mind! Then three weeks ago, I finally figured out that not everything needs an explanation. Not everything needs a compartment and not everything will make sense from the outside looking in.  Somethings just can’t be defined and luckily I realized that those things can actually be the most beautiful and comforting things in my life.  

            So here’s to 2016. I’m going to finish grad school, I’m going to walk the stage, and I’m going to be proud of myself.  I’m going to play in the rain with my kids and stay up late watching silly movies. We are going to have Nerf Wars all over the house, because I’m going to say “yes” as much as possible! I’m going to keep laughing at the non-sense that is my life and I am going to keep loving the chaos. More than anything I’m going to remember that definitions can ruin brilliance, that grey can be a beautiful color, and that the things that don’t always fit are often the best parts of my life.