Invisible

 I have toyed with this blog for a while now.  Sitting firmly on both sides of the fence at various times during my journey.  Somedays wanting to scream from the rooftops and other days hoping that if I just don’t talk about it then everything will go away and go back to normal.  According to TimeHop two years ago today was the beginning of my new normal and regardless of where I’m standing my life will never be the same. If you know the story you can skip down to part 3 – The New Normal.  If you’re new settle in and get ready for the trip.

Part 1: The Back Story

The short version goes something like this.  Sept 3^rd two years ago I broke out into a crazy rash, my skin was itching literally off, and I was running a 103.5 fever.  According to the people in my life that love me that was unacceptable and I was all but dragged to the ER.  Upon arriving they did blood work and other tests. All they could tell me was that my WBC was insanely high, my body had some sort of infection, but they couldn’t figure out what, and no amount of steroids would stop the itching. After a few rounds of IV antibiotics and meds to get my fever down, I was released with no answers. I had melanoma cut out two weeks before (that’s another story) so I called my dermatologist.  He thought maybe I was having a reaction to the internal sutures. I got more steroids and sent on my way.  Two weeks later I still had a rash, I was still itching, and my skin was literally falling off of my body in various places,  I got more steroids.  By November nothing had changed, so next stop allergist.  We did ALL the testing! By the way, I’m allergic to pine, mountain cedar, and grass. NOT HELPFUL.  What was helpful was him finding that my liver numbers were out of this world. Turns out that can cause itching. So after 3 mths of nonstop itching (and steroids that were making me a crazy person), I was on my way to the gastroenterologist.

 I rang in 2017 feeling awful. Even today 2017 is affectionately referred to as the lost year. I had no energy, I was sick constantly (think flu-like body aches), I couldn’t really sleep due to the itching, and most days I barely survived. The gastro found the same alarming liver numbers and gave me my first diagnosis of Primary Biliary Cirrhosis.  Excuse me? WHAT? Turns out with PBC you die in ten years or you get a new liver and then die about fifteen years after that. NO THANKS!! He ordered a liver biopsy, sono of my pancreas and gallbladder, and more blood work. He gave me some pills and a weird powder to flush out my liver. That at least stopped the itching for a little while. In February 2017 I had my biopsy and other tests. Everything came back normal. Great! It’s all Normal but my liver still isn’t functioning properly and now my lymph nodes are huge.  Hi Everyone, I’m sick, someone tell me WHY!!  Enter the most fantastic internal medicine Dr on the planet.  

I started seeing him in March right after I slept for literally the whole week of spring break 2017. He kept my PBC diagnosis, as it was the only thing that made sense, even though it really didn’t, but at the time there was no other answer.  Then we started all the cancer testing, did MRIs, CT Scans, and monthly blood work. He was testing and checking body systems that I didn’t even know existed. By June 2017 we still had no answers and he was referring me to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. In July I found out that they couldn’t get me in until Aug, the exact same week that I started back to school, I was devastated and that's when I broke.  Emotionally I was done, mentally I had decided that maybe I was just crazy, but physically my body was barely functioning.  I went to work, I came home, I zombie around the kitchen cooking dinner and once the kids were in bed I collapsed. That was the routine EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  I had been sick for 7 mths. How was it possible that no one could tell me why?  I called the Dr and told him that the Mayo Clinic was out the question.  He had me come into the office the second week of August and watched me break down.  He sat silently as I ugly cried and then he said, “you aren’t crazy and I won’t stop until we figure this out”.  Thank God for him! Thank God that the very small circle of people that knew what I was going through and surrounded me with love and support.  They lied to me about looking fine and told me that everything was going to be okay even though we all knew that might not be the case. They were patient on the days that I was NOT lovable and NOT very kind. I will honestly never be able to repay them.

In September almost exactly a year later we got our big break! My Dr. ran a full autoimmune panel, we had done the big 2 (RA and Lupus) a few times, but never a full panel, and that’s when we got a few hits.  He suggested I see a rheumatologist as soon as possible.  As soon as possible in the Rheumy world meant that I would be waiting until the middle of November but I was waiting with hope. My rheumatologist has basically hit saint status in my book. On my first visit she reviewed all my records, she wouldn’t rule out the PBC, but she also saw so much more.  She ordered more blood work and told me she would see me back in two weeks. Two weeks later, aka 15 mths later, it all started making sense. My B12 number was 142, she said it’s the lowest she has ever seen a B12 number and the person still be functioning at all.  Below 400 you start to show signs of a deficit and below 200 your body starts shutting down. My Sjogren’s panel was also abnormal and there were other antiantibodies that were coming up in my blood work.  By February of, 2018 we got to officially rule out PBC and we had a full AI diagnosis.

Part 2: The Official Diagnoses

Diagnosis 1: Pernicious Anemia – My body killed all the cells that absorb B12, those won’t ever come back, so I’ll be on shots for the rest of forever.  For the first 3 months, it was weekly. Now I’m supposed to get a shot every 15 days, but lately, we have been pushing it to about a month, and I’m doing pretty okay with it!

Diagnosis 2: Sjogren’s (Show Grins) syndrome – Honestly, I was just trying to be like Venus Williams and decided that getting the same AI disorder would be easier than going pro in Tennis! Turns out I have more respect for her as a human than ever before, she is my personal hero, but I’ll get back to that later. Sjogren’s is a bitch (excuse my language).  My particular brand of Sjogren’s impacts my lymphatic system so my nodes are often painful and swollen (yes I brush). Then there are the general things that Sjogren’s impacts. Like killing all the moisture-producing glands in my body, impacting my liver and lungs, and making my muscles ache like I have the flu and joints feel like they were set on fire. My parotid glands are always swollen and painful (those are the ones right below your ears) but I’m pretty used to it at this point. I also lose my regular voice at night and early in the morning.  

Diagnosis 3: Autoimmune Urticaria – Basically I’m allergic to myself. Not really, but my body does overproduce an antibody that triggers the release of histamines.  Then I break out in hives and I itch and it’s awful. Luckily, I’m down to only having these flare-ups every few months, or when I get really stressed, or when I don’t eat healthily, or when I forget to take my H1 Histamine blockers. PS mine is not connected to an underlying thyroid disorder. My thyroid is the one thing that still works like a champ!

Part 3: The New Normal

Finding my new normal has been the hardest part of this journey.  I am a pretty high energy person and right up until all of this went down I was running 3-4 miles a day like it was a Sunday stroll.  I ran to live and I lived to run.  It’s been hard to accept that running is not and won’t be a part of my new life. It’s too hard on my joints and isn’t on the approved activity list.  I take medicine every day.  A wonderful medicine, that makes me really nauseous if I don’t take it at the right time, but I can honestly say that it has given me a lot of my life back.  I have to watch what I eat. Okay, not all the time because I am a real big fan of food, but most of the time.  Dairy is hard on my joints and causes inflammation, so I try to be careful with the amount I consume. I ate a lot of Queso last week and let me tell you the fire in my joints is almost worth it…almost. Spun sugar (think Skittles, Mike & Ike, and that sort of thing) often trigger a flare up so I limit those as often as I can. There are other things too but I won’t lay them all out.

The toughest part of my new normal is accepting and admitting that I can’t do it all. Knowing that I have to plan out my energy a week at a time.  Understanding that if I do this I may not have the energy to do that. Realizing that Sjogren’s doesn’t care what you have on your agenda when it says sit down you sit down. That’s why Venus is my personal hero.  Somedays I can barely teach school and raise kids simultaneously, and yet she is still kicking all kinds of butt on the tennis court.  Though in my defense I don’t have even one trainer or chef, let alone a whole team keeping me together, and I’m still over here killing it.  My plans are more spontaneous nowadays.  On days I wake up feeling good I try to do all the things.  I always hope for a wave of several at a time but often they are more sporadic. Sjogren’s usually says you can have this morning, but not this afternoon, you can have Friday night, but you can’t have Saturday too.  Sometimes, I say screw all of this, and do what I want anyway! I string a bunch of late nights together and do several activities in a row. I do all the cleaning and shopping and power through knowing that it is a terrible idea. Believe me, I pay for it! I pay a really high price, but I would rather live life feeling like crap than to sit home and watch it pass me by. 

Having the kids, two jobs that I love, and friends that make me get up and go, but are also okay with saying sit yourself down, helps a lot.  I still play volleyball, basketball, and on occasion a set of tennis. I go walking a lot to keep my joints moving. I tried yoga but I’m the worst! I put first things first and work really hard to not stress about little stuff (aka my crazy messy house). While I have to take life a little bit slower than I used to I am not and never will be defined by my ill-mannered immune system. I will also never be able to thank my circle. I mentioned them before but they really have no idea how much they have done for me. They love me when I am at my worst.  They accept my bad days for what they are. They get my sense of humor and throw their own jokes around.  We don’t take all of this as serious as we probably should but believe me I wouldn’t have it any other way.

That being said thank you for understanding if I cancel plans.  Thanks for getting it if I don’t text back or answer the phone (let’s be real those were issues before all this started).  Thanks for remembering that I’m still 100% me! 

PS...My Rheumatologist has got my back from a diet and medication standpoint. No amount of "fixing my gut" or natural remedies are going to fix this! 

When No doesn't ALWAYS Mean NO!!

My news feed is filled right now with people who are denouncing Rape Culture. It's also filled with people who are angry at men who have no respect for women. If you know me you know that I seldom, if ever, engage in political arguments. In my opinion it is an exercise in futility and I have much better things to do. However, I do want to speak to all the women out there that are angry about Bill Clinton, and Donald Trump, and any other man who thinks that a women is their play toy.

Please note that I am NOT victim blaming or shaming. There is nothing that you can do, say, or wear that excuses a man from touching you without your full consent (inside OR outside of a relationship). However, Women WE MUST stop sending men mixed signals in our everyday lives. If no means no before/during/and after sex, then NO has to mean NO in all other aspects of our relationships. Here's what I mean...

Man: Do you want a gift for your birthday/Christmas?
Woman: No. You don't have to get me anything.
What you actually mean is for him to try harder, to know that you really do want something, and surprise you. Then when he doesn't, because he thought No meant no, you get mad!

Man: What's wrong? Do you want to talk?
Woman: Nothing, No I'm Fine.

What you actually mean is that you want him to work harder, read your mind, and figure it out on his own. Then when he doesn't, because he thought no meant no, you get mad.

Man: Do you want me to come with you?
Woman: No, it's fine. You can stay here.

What you mean is that you want him to want to come, but want him to know that, and to come on his own. Then when he doesn't come, because he thought no meant no, you get mad.

Man: Do you want to go out with me this weekend

Woman: No, I don't think so
What you mean is that you want him to prove that he really is into you. You want him to plan it all, and sweep you off your feet, or at the very least keep trying, because you don't want to seem too available. Yet, again, anger ensues when he took your no for a no and made plans with his buddies.

Man: Do you want to fool around/have sex/take off your clothes?
Woman: NO

What you really mean is NO, but what we have trained men to think is that NO means try harder. No means if I don't do this she will actually get mad. On the other hand there are a hand full of women who say no and actually do mean yes. You can see where the confusion sets in. If we take the consent as explained by tea video into account it's like you saying no you don't want tea and then getting ticked because no one made you tea! You said you didn't WANT the tea!!!

I assure you that my son is going to grow up making A LOT of girls mad, because I will always teach him that NO means no, that it applies to everything, and that if a girl want him to try harder she can stop sending him mixed signals. On the other hand I will teach my daughter that her no is always no and that if she means something else she better say it.

Again, if you have been raped or assaulted, inside of a relationship, or by a total stranger, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! But we must start meaning what we say and saying what we mean. Does that mean that sexual assault and rape will stop. NO! There will always be men (and woman for that matter) who are sick and won't take no for an answer, but it will help with blurred line. It will go a long way in empowering females and it takes away one of the main victim blaming arguments!

Plus it will make all of your relationships so much easier and I promise your Significant Other will appreciate it!

Sharing Mother's Day:: The Lesson of Infinite Love

If someone would have asked me 10 years ago if I would ever get a divorce my answer would have been, “no”.  A resounding “oh no, not ever”.  I would have said, “even if things were terrible there is no way that I would share my kids”.   Let’s be honest I did say those things.  I used those exact words, “I could never share my kids”, “They will NEVER have another Mother! I am their ONLY mom”.  It’s funny how life has a way of making you reevaluate and take back your “nevers”.  

When I was saying those words, and truly meaning them (at the time), I had no idea that one day I would be hearing the words, “Mom, we took her to eat for Stepmom’s Day”, and I most certainly would have never dreamed that my response would be, “that is so exciting!! Did you guys make her something or get her a gift? It’s her first official Mother’s Day!”  You see my kids have been blessed with a kind, gentle, funny, and amazingly loving other mother.  They beam at the thought of spending time with her and their dad.  They love her! I love her! She has no obligation to love them, but she does, and she does it well!

The truth is, on this first Mother’s Day that I am sharing, I couldn’t be more delighted. Yes, delighted!!! As I navigate not being their only mom, what I have come to realize, is that even if I were still married, I wouldn’t have been their only mother!  There is no way that I could ever teach my kids all the things that they need to learn.  Help them through all the situations that they will face as they get older.  Fanaticize as I might about being the greatest (okayest) mom on the planet, they will always, ALWAYS, look to other people for advice! It is my job to point them to those people when what I have to say just won’t do!

My mom and I are, and have always been, extremely close.  She is my truest confidant, she has seen it all, heard it all, and walked every step of every journey with me! She has always spoken truth to me and encouraged me when I was sick (emotionally, spiritually, and physically). She is generous with her time and money, she is beautiful inside and out, and she is one of the most incredible women I have ever met. When I say that I hope to be just like her when I grow up I mean that! However, I was not just raised by my incredible parents. I have a list of other women that have pouring into me at various times in my life. All of these women have been “mom’s” to me at times.  At this very moment there are two women that I would introduce as “my other mother”, and that has no impact on how I feel about my mom! Funny enough just the other day she said, "have you talked to your other mother about this?"

The true beauty of my mom is that she taught me to seek other women when I needed them. She encouraged me to go to them when I needed more than what she could give me at the time.  What she didn’t know is that she was teaching me everyday that it was okay to have “other mothers”.  A lesson that is now serving me oh so well! She taught me that there is no limit to love! That it doesn’t run out! To assume that I am, or will always be the only person that my kids love like a mom is selfish.  It’s like saying they can’t love more than one pet, or love more than one friend, or later in life love more than one of their kids the same!  Them loving her as much as they love me could never diminish their love for me. It teaches them that love is infinite and should be given freely.

When it comes down to Mother’s Day and sharing my kids, the only thing I can think is, Thank you God!! Thank you for giving my kids so many women that have already poured into their lives.  Thank you for blessing us all with a stepmom who is the absolute best. I will never be their only mother, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that it does not change how much they love me, need me, or will come to me when it really gets ugly.  It simply increases how much they are loved, so you better believe that I will “share” them with as many other women as I need to, to ensure that the love they feel is overflowing!

To all the moms out there who helped raise me, and all the moms past, present, and future, who are and will help raise my kids.  Thank You!! Happy Mother’s Day!

The Relationship Lineup:: A Baseball Analogy

If you have read any of my blogs over the last 18 months you will know that I have been utterly obsessed with relationships. On multiple occasions I have sat down and really analyzed the role that various people play in my life.   This week I asked myself, “What is your motivation for sustaining your relationships?”   In all honesty it is because I could identify the purpose that each person was serving in my life or that I was serving in his or her life. I found value in each one that I thought about. Each purpose was different but none of them more or less important than another.  

As I was thinking I began placing people in my personal relationship lineup. Mostly because I am having baseball withdrawals but that is another story! While trying to figure out where everyone would go, I started thinking about an ideal world, and where I would put my significant other (to be clear I’m still not dating).  My knee jerk was that they would be my #1, my stud, my lead off, and then I realized, I don’t want my significant other to be my lead off hitter!! The lead off hitter only has one job (albeit an important one)! "The" person better be able to bat clean up or they are for sure not the one! 

So I present to you The Relationship Lineup! If you can fill a whole lineup with the following types of people you are one lucky individual.  

1.  The lead off batter gets everything started.  They set the pace, start the fire, and get the whole team hyped up.  This is the person that is stable and steady.  They are always there to help you see the bigger picture, keep you on track and motivate you when you are down. You can always count on them!
2. The two spot is your ride or die batter! This person is there to lay down sacrifices with no questions asked.  They pick you up when they need to, and they keep you moving when you aren’t sure if you are going in the right direction.  They are all about making sure you get where you are going safely, and they are okay with laying their self on the line to make sure it happens!
3. The three hitter is the person that has got your back in more ways than one! They bring variety to the table.  If they need to sacrifice they can do that, if they need to get things started, hey they can do that too! This person is often your last chance person. You are out of time, out of ideas, and you are going to them in pinch. All the while hoping (and ultimately knowing) they can help you out of a jam. Sometimes they are just there to keep things flowing, keep you relaxed, and keep you focused.
4. The person batting clean up well THIS IS YOUR PERSON!! You trust them more than anyone else on the team.  They aren’t scared of a challenge and all the crazy of the game doesn’t phase them. You know they are going to get the job done no matter what. When everything is going wrong they become the lead off hitter and are there to get you back on track.  If everything is going perfect they are there to elevate that perfection with a grand slam.  They can play the role of each of the batters ahead of them and do it with confidence.   You never question them because there is nothing this person can't do and you believe in them with your whole heart. When the game is ugly this is person you hope is holding the bat. 
5. This batter is your all or nothing friend.  You don’t always need them, and you may not always call on them, but they are always there if you do.  They are kind of the unsung heroes of the lineup.
6. I will actually address 6-9 here.  These are your people that you never know what you are going to get.  Sometimes they are there and you are really close to them.  Sometimes they are just kind of in the background and you hope you don’t have to ask them to do anything substantial.  They are still important, because in the event you really really need them they have the ability to step up, but they aren’t always who you are counting on when you need the big plays.

2016 Day One:: Grey Looks Good on You!

            I remember typing my New Year’s Blog last year and it feels like it was yesterday. I remember how comfortable I felt walking into 2015 and how ready I was to conquer it.  From day one it was my mission to find happiness exactly where I was at. To learn exactly who I was and who I wanted to be. To love my life so fiercely that I didn’t need anyone else’s approval. I revisited my past, and took a long hard look at all of the pieces that made me who I am. I got rid of some of those pieces and the rest I’m using to rebuild something amazing.     

             The hardest part of 2015 was living most of it in the grey zone! I love definitive. My mind is a state of compartmentalized beauty.  I have compartments for everything. If I can’t fit someone or something into a compartment, then they just don’t get to stay, because I do not operate well in the grey-zone.  I spent a good amount of 2015 trying to define thing that can’t be defined. Trying to make things fit into a conclusive spot in my mind! Then three weeks ago, I finally figured out that not everything needs an explanation. Not everything needs a compartment and not everything will make sense from the outside looking in.  Somethings just can’t be defined and luckily I realized that those things can actually be the most beautiful and comforting things in my life.  

            So here’s to 2016. I’m going to finish grad school, I’m going to walk the stage, and I’m going to be proud of myself.  I’m going to play in the rain with my kids and stay up late watching silly movies. We are going to have Nerf Wars all over the house, because I’m going to say “yes” as much as possible! I’m going to keep laughing at the non-sense that is my life and I am going to keep loving the chaos. More than anything I’m going to remember that definitions can ruin brilliance, that grey can be a beautiful color, and that the things that don’t always fit are often the best parts of my life. 

A Decade of Motherhood

I don’t have time to blog, really I don’t, and yet this one is long.  With grad school, teaching, photography, and #momlife, I don’t have time to think straight, or even function properly, but I also can’t stop thinking about my daughter’s birthday. In the next few hours I will have officially been a mom for 10 years. 10 YEARS!! I can’t even begin to explain how many lessons I have learned in the last decade.  As all mom’s quickly find out, you do things you promised you would never do, you say things you swore you would never say, and the best advice you can give to any new or expectant mom is, “it won’t go like you think it’s going to”.  Motherhood is the scariest, most incredible, craziest ride you can every get on, but every day is worth it! I have never done anything as infuriating, and yet as rewarding, as being a mom. With that being said, I now present to you, The Top 10 Things I have Learned from and about Cameron Reece.

10. Payback is Real:  

I have called my parents multiple times since having Cam and have begged for their forgiveness. It’s a wonder I am still alive. I have told them that I can’t believe I made it 18 years in their house and still have my tongue in my mouth. They had every right, and every reason, to cut that sucker out. I have learned that when people say, “you’ll pay for your raising” oh you very much will. Cameron is funny, she is witty, and she says exactly what comes to her mind. We are working on this daily. Just because it’s truthful doesn’t mean it is necessary!  We also work on tone. I say we because at 33 It’s not a skill I have mastered yet. She also has more attitude on some days than I prefer to deal with, but we deal, and sometimes we have to deal in harsh ways, but she knows I love her, and she knows that she will never be allowed to be less than the best version of herself.

9.  “Because I said so” IS a valid reason:  

In my idealistic world before children I used to say, “there will always be a reason for my requests, I will never tell my kids it’s because I said so, I will always be willing to answer all of their questions.”  NOPE, terrible mistake!  Cameron began asking “why” at around 14 mths old.  These were legitimate “why’s”.  She was not being malicious she was naturally curious. At first I wanted to foster this curiosity, but at age 3 when she could argue better than any politician in America, I decided I was done answering her questions. I would answer some, but not all, some things she was going to have to do, because I said so! Everything had become a battle of wits and I learned that she needed to understand that sometimes no questions needed to be asked.  We are still working on that.

8. My words and my actions matter: 

I work on this daily. DAILY! I am not a perfect person, or a perfect mom, and I don’t expect her to think that I am.  I apologize to her, I admit when I am wrong, and sometimes I look at her and say, “I’m sorry that I have been in a terrible mood lately”.  She has taught me that if I ever expect her to know how to own her mistakes she has to see that I am willing to own mine.  Cameron and I talk a lot.  She tends to hold things in and avoid her emotions. I want her to know early that sometimes it’s okay to breakdown. I want her to feel secure in not being strong all the time.

7. Some kids need a leash: 

Judge lest you be judged.  In my late teens parents who put their children on leashes appalled me.  There was nothing more infuriating in my mind than a child that could not be controlled with a simple request to “stay here”.  Well as God would have it, I would soon learn, that some kids just aren’t great at staying.  As soon as Cam could walk she had places to go, and things to see, and if that meant she needed to go by herself that was fine. She was not scared. She has never been scared of anything a day in her life. I love this about her now. I love her independence. I love that she is willing to go alone. It will serve her well in life, but as a toddler it earned her a cute little monkey backpack with a tail leash that I held on to.

6. Some people are just born competitive: 

This is a gene! I don’t care what anyone says, competitive nature is GENETIC and there is nothing that can be done.  I realized this about age 3.  We were playing a board game for the first time and upon her losing she picked up a game piece and chunked it against the wall.  We had a lesson about being a good loser, and I realized that was something she would have to learn.  I was happy to teach her, because I hate losing too, and therefore aren't good at letting kids win. Cameron fights for every win imaginable. Everything's a competition. Sometimes this is an endearing trait that makes me laugh and sometimes this is a trait that makes me want to lose my mind.

5. Some battles aren’t worth fighting: 

Cameron started dressing herself around 2 and stopped matching by 2.5.  By age 4 she no longer brushed her hair, at age 5 she consistently wore two different shoes, or no shoes at all. This was a battle I refused to fight. It was a battle my mom begged me to fight! However, there was no reason. We battled over so much more, when she was a toddler, that I refused to battle her on clothes.  I started calling her a hobo at age 6 and that still rings true on most day.  Now she is my free spirited wild hearted queen of style.  She puts things together that are unconventional and yet totally work. She refuses to buy things at retail stores, because why buy it new when you can buy them at a thrift shop. Clothes have been her biggest freedom and her greatest source of creativity. (which means I am a "terrible mom" for making her go to a school with uniforms)

4. What makes you different makes you beautiful: 

Cam has these eyes that pierce your soul and capture you heart (and some days try to rip it out), but when I see her that isn’t the beauty that I see. I see her empathetic heart that hurts for anyone who doesn’t have as much as she has. I see her fighting spirit that calls out for justice anytime someone is wronged. I see a child that at 10 years old can read people like a book.  She is equal parts sensitive and strong but she will only let you see the strength.  She reads a lot and requires more alone time than most people. She is sweet, and would do anything for anyone, and yet she has this fiery side that you don’t want to meet. She is random, funny, and so witty. With her, what you see is what you get, the only problem is you aren’t ever quite sure who you’re going to get. She is a beautiful mystery. I’ve learned that letting her be her, even if it’s different every day, is okay. She doesn’t have to fit a mold. She doesn’t have to dance to the same music as everyone else. She can be weird, because what makes her weird now, is going to make her awesome as an adult. One day after someone had complemented her eyes, and she had said thank you, she looked at me and said, "mom, they are just eyes, why does everyone think they are a big deal, is that all anyone will ever see". I told her because of that comment right there, I was certain they would always see much more!

3. Childlike faith is a beautiful thing: 

Cam was never really a child. People who knew her when she was a little little girl can attest to this.  There was always something about the way she talked and carried herself. She has an old soul. She has always been wise and intelligent beyond her years. However, she has faith in things that are unseen. She believes in the inherent goodness of people. She has a faith in God that is remarkable and faith in her future.  She has spoken life into situations that I have completely given up on. It is in these times that I realize that this is the one area of her life she doesn’t question. Don’t get me wrong, she has questions, and I have answered them as they have come up, but in grade scheme she just knows. As a mom there is nothing more beautiful to watch.

2. I need her far more than she needs me: 

I didn't grow up wanting kids or loving babies. The very thought of a child scared the life out of me, what would I even do with a tiny human, and how could I possibly do this parenting thing right.  What I know now is that I have learned more from being her mom than she will ever learn from me. I understand God’s love for me, the selfless, pure, unconditional love, that you can only have for your child.  It doesn’t matter how much I screw up, He will never stop loving me, just like I will never stop loving her. That kind of love, isn't something you can understand until you are looking into the eyes of someone that you helped create. Knowing that you would die just to see them succeed and be happy. Cameron reminds me everyday that I am loved.  She reminds me everyday that if I accomplish nothing else in my life the joy of being her mom will be enough.

1. I still have no idea what I am doing: 

Everyday she teaches me something new. I take that back, every hour I learn something new about being a mom.  I learn that no matter how much I love her, guide her, pour truth into her, one day she is going to be on her own.  I pray everyday that she keepers her independent spirit. I pray she keeps being a fighter, and never loses her gypsy soul, or her free spirited nature. I know that we have a long road ahead of us. Let’s be honest. The teenage years are probably going to be a challenge with this one, but I’m up for the task, and will blog about that too. I have loved every amazing, frustrating, scary, wonderful, heartbreaking, truly fabulous minute of being a mom and I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world. HAPPY 10th BIRTHDAY CamReece!  

It is okay not to be okay all the time!

As someone who prides herself on emotional control the last three weeks have been really hard for me. There has been a constant battle between my strong mind and my fragile heart. If I’m being honest I have suffered from what I call “leaky eye” a lot. Leaky eye is my affectionate way of describing sudden onset crying that has no real basis.  I’m not even sad! WHY AM I CRYING??  In the last three weeks I have probably cried more than I have in years.  I have also lost my mind a few times and I am so grateful that the people I love are still standing.  Three weeks ago one of my dear friends came to me and said, “I feel like I need to tell you that it is okay not be okay all the time”.  In that moment I was like, oh I know, but I am okay all the time, so it’s all good.  Little did I know the following 15 days would be spent reminding myself that it actually is okay not be okay all the time.

August 23^rd marked one year since Rob and I separated and filed for divorce.  It’s been an incredible 365 days. I have grown in ways that I never thought possible.  I have faced emotional fears. I have challenged wrong patterns of thinking, and despite every fiber in my body screaming, “don’t you dare”, I have trusted people more than I ever have (not a lot of people but a few). The result is that 97.3% of those days have been beautiful, and 100% of those days have been spent in peace regardless of any extenuating circumstances.  I still have no doubts that we did the right thing, and that through this “terrible” thing we did, we created a healthier, more stable, environment for Cam and Colbs. 

After all that you can understand why I found the sadness and anger of the last few weeks so perplexing. Why all the sudden am I so upset?  Why am I a wreck? Why are my eyes so leaky? Then it hit me. I had fought for the last five years of my marriage and tried to make everything okay. I wanted nothing more than to be one of those couples that walked away “victorious” simply for the bragging rights.  I wasn’t mourning the loss of my marriage. I was mourning my loss, my pride, my inability to fix something. I was angry, because I felt like I wasn’t good enough to make it work. That’s actually a lie. I am enough, and more than that I have to forgive myself for not being able to fix something that I had no control over in the first place. There is no shame in fighting for something and winning the victory differently than you had pictured. 

After hearing me talk about how I felt, another one of my dear friends (more like a mom) said to me, “I’m so glad you feel this way. Even though what you did was right, you still have to grieve, and doing it now just means you will be healthier later.”  Another confirmation that it was okay not be okay. There is a certain comfort in knowing that I don’t have to be strong all the time and that I don’t have to have it all worked out. Being sad that my marriage of 10 years and relationship of 17 is over, and has been for over a year, doesn’t mean I want it back. It doesn’t mean ending it was wrong. It means I have felt enough pain in the last decade to last a lifetime and that pain isn't going to go away overnight. Yes it's better, and yes most days I really am fine, and yes I am going to keep working through forgiveness everyday. However, that pain is going to creep up at unexpected times and possibly be unleashed on unsuspecting people. There are going to be days that the overwhelming grief of the life that is gone will be there, but there is also going to be the realization that what is coming is far better than what lies behind. 

So here’s to the days that I fall apart but refuse to set up camp and live in the sorrow. Here’s to the people who are okay with that and support me through it.  It’s those people that have shown me not everyone is the same and that some people are worth the risk of trusting. Here’s to the future. Here’s to Tyler Knott Gregson who said, “I may fall apart, but I will never lose the pieces. I will always see the picture that they create, and my hands bloody, cracked, trembling, and tired, will never stop fumbling to put them back together”.