Love:: I Still Believe in You!

It's been almost 9 months since I completely imploded my world. One would think that I would be treading water in an ocean of chaos, and drowning in an abyss of unknown, but incredibly I've never been able to swim this freely in my whole life. That's not to say that I have everything figured out. God knows that I am generally just making the moves up as I go. It's incredible what you can learn about yourself in such a short time. When you start doing what makes you happy, and being around people that make you smile, you start to realize not only who you are, but also exactly who you never want to to be again. I have spent the last few months learning how it looks to be loved by others and how to truly love others in return. I have poured over scripture and Pinterest quotes (just trying to keep it real) and have come up with some pretty profound notions, Not just about romantic love but love in general and I felt it necessary to share my findings.

Disclaimer:: Due to Pinterest Quote Influence (and possible obsession) I can not guarantee that these are all original thoughts. :-)

Love Does Not Equal Fear: 1 John 4:18 says, There is no Fear in Love. Perfect love drives out fear. When you love and are loved there should be total comfort.  No pressure to be someone you aren't, no need to weigh your words or over think what you are doing. There are no awkward moments, because it's okay to be weird, and sometimes a little crazy. You can be yourself and not think twice because you have no reason to hide. There is no oppression or expectation for you to be anything other than exactly who you are. Manipulation and humiliation are not love and therefore have no place in any of your relationships.  The most beautiful thing in the world is to be able to love someone and to also be completely free at the same time. 

Loving Someone Will NOT Complete You: - Jerry McGuire makes me insane.  The notion that you have to find a missing part of your soul is crazy. We are not called to find others to complete us, because two incomplete people can never come together to create a whole person. We have to learn to be so in love with ourselves, so happy with who we are, that being loved by someone else and giving love in return, is just a bonus in our already fulfilled lives. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we should never look for love or people to share our lives with!  It's nice to have others be there to kiss our wounds, pick us up, dust us off, and love us even when we aren't very lovable, but we can't expect them to be our happiness. They will fail every time and leave us feeling even more incomplete than before! 

Loving Someone Should Balance You - There is a difference between looking for friendships or relationships that complete you and knowing that you need balance. You can't expect to be exactly alike! You have to see everyone for who they are and while you appreciate the similarities you also have to celebrate the differences. For instance, since I see details I need people in my life that see big pictures.  I like to get things done, say what needs to be said, and sometimes take things up to 11, I need people who will say, "hey, let's stop and think".  I need people that keep me grounded when I want to soar into a tirade, and remind me to breath when I have allowed the fierce and fiery side to take control.  Most strong relationships rarely has two strong people at the same time. You have take turns being strong you have to balance each other out. 

Love can be Quiet - I think a lot of people expect love to always be this dashing thing, this relentless adventure, a constant eruption of emotion. Of course it can be and that's okay, it's most exciting when it is, but what happens when all that is gone?  Everything that exists after "being in love" wears off is what love truly is.  The part that brings peace to your mind, that quiets your soul and yet awakens it in ways you never expected, that's love. There should be periods of silence, where space is shared, but words need not be spoken, because you just understand each other. You trust without thinking, because you aren't afraid to believe in the person sitting beside you. You can just be still in their presence and know everything is going to be okay. 

Love, Desire, and Attachment Are NOT The Same Thing - Just because someone has a desire to be with you does not mean that they truly love you or value you. Desire is about coveting, about possession, about wanting to have something.  Once you have what you desire it is easy to place it on a shelf and never look at it the same again. Especially, because people desire things that are pretty, and perfect, and unbroken, but once they realize they have not found that in you they find it easy to walk away. Attachment is about fear and dependency. When you find yourself attached to something it has more to do with loving yourself as opposed to loving that person. You have become comfortable and fear losing what you have even though you aren't truly loving them. Desire and Attachment are all about filling a void, and taking what is in someone else, and trying to use it to make your world better.  Love without attachment is the most incredible thing, because it's all about what you can give because you are full, not what others can give to make you feel whole. 

Of course this is just a brief synopsis of what I have been shown over the last few months, I am so appreciative of all the people in my life that have helped me to see what actual love really looks like. I think after our hearts have been broken and tormented we have to make a choice.  Do we allow ourselves to believe that love doesn't exist, and isn't obtainable, or do we find people who are worth the risk??

Broken

Hi, My Name is Chelcie, and I'm Broken.  Congratulations...you are too. The truth is we are all broken. Maybe not to the same extent, but because we aren't perfect, and our world isn't perfect, we are all broken. Everyone has a story, and everyone has a part of their life that they wish wasn't there.  We've all been writing our stories all of our lives. Some of us on our own, some with the help others, and some of us just straight gave our pen to someone else and said "here you do it".  It didn't occur to me until last year that I have the power (80s kids you said that like He-Man), and it's up to me to get my pen, and start writing a story I can be proud of. 

The truth is a lot of my story scares me. Some days the twisted truths that are my life are inconceivable even to me, but they are a part of me, and they made me who I am.  So I refuse to ask for a rewrite!  In my 32 (almost 33) years I have learned so many things, mainly because I have made 1000 mistakes. I am who I am because of all the things that have happened to me.  So today I choose to appreciate the mistakes, the wrongs, and the heartaches. I choose to understand that it took making wrong choices, for me to appreciate integrity, and doing the right thing. It took 100 wrongs to make me fully appreciate all the amazing rights. It took my heart aching and breaking into a 1000 pieces to be able to put it back together and make it better than it was before.  It took a slew of people who weren't real friends, to appreciate the people that I have now, the ones that are willing to pick me up, hand me super glue and say, "I don't care that you're broken, get up, and let's get this fixed". It took me knowing what love isn't to appreciate what love truly is. It took looking at a whole lot of ugliness to really be able to find the beauty in each day. 

No one wants to be broken but everyone is. Breaks happen! No one is immune from being hurt, but in that hurt we have a choice to make. We can choose to sit around forever staring at the pieces, or we can pick up the super glue and get to work!! My heart will never be perfect, but in the end it will be a beautiful mosaic masterpiece that is far better than the original. 

Here's to a New Year

2014 the year of change. The year I blew everyone's mind. Even my own. 2014 the year I realized that few people actually live, most are just trying to survive, and I for one was tired of survival mode. 2014 the year I decided that it was up to me to write my own story, and I was going to write the best damn story imaginable. I stopped pretending and started being honest. I realized that against all odds I still believe in love and I still believe in happy endings! I decided that some days it's okay to put away my adult cynicism and believe in childhood magic. I was reminded that music heals, actions speak louder than words, and that I am worth it, which I proved! I learned that I love myself with or without people's approval. I decided to be proud of my whole story, because it made me who I am, and I'm finally okay with that! 

So bring on 2015, the year I will read wonderful books, sing loud, and dance like a crazy person every chance I get. 2015 the year I will truly believe that the best is yet to come. I will pray hard, love harder, and rejoice in all things. I will remind myself everyday that no matter what happens life is still wonderful. 2015 the year I will be kissed everyday by someone who thinks I am wonderful (even if that's only Cam and Colbs).  I will surprise myself and do things that are out of my comfort zone. I will be bold and honest and tell people how I feel. I will be happy, because I know that happy is the best kind of beautiful! I have no idea what the next year has in store for me, but I'm Ready to start writing my own Fairy Tale!! So, here's to 2015, a year that will be filled with the best kind of madness. 

The Show is Over - Say Goodbye

It's no secret to anyone that knows me. I write! Not always very well, and not always with the best grammar, but I do indeed write. Ernest Hemingway once said that we should write hard and clear about what hurts, so that's what I am going to attempt to do.

When you are 15/16 years old you don't really think about what is going to happen in the next 17-20 years.  I mean you plan for college, you figure you'll settle down, buy a house, have a few kids, but you only plan for big picture "stuff".  No one considers how they will feel in 17 years.  No one takes into consideration that there will be hard battles fraught with peril, nor do they realize how those battles will change them in ways they never imagined possible.  You don't consider that one day you will look in the mirror, have no idea who that person is, and wonder when and where you go lost. You know that the good will come with the bad, and while you pray that the good out weighs the bad, you don't think about what you will do when it doesn't.

The title of this blog was oh so purposeful.  I listened to Madonna (more than I care to admit) in Jr High and HS.  In 1994 she released Take a Bow. When words fail, lyrics speak, and right now this song is perfect!  Our show, as everyone has gathered (or is starting to gather) from the recent Facebook posts, is most certainly over. I won't go into details, because those really don't matter, and quit frankly are no ones business.  The short version of a really long story (17 years in the making) is that Rob and I have put on a show.  A very good one in fact. Was everything a lie, of course not, but the illusion of complete happiness portrayed on social media was less than truthful. We were very good at posting our highlight reel. It's a blessing and a curse to have known someone for so long. To have grown up with them and watched them grown up.  Neither of us thought our story would end this way but any other solution just wasn't in the cards.  

Do we know there will be gossip, yes.  Do we know we will be harshly judged, yes.  Do we know exactly what legalistic religious doctrine says about divorce, absolutely. However, we can not deny the amount of prayer that has gone into, and ultimately, lead us to this decision. Nor can we ignore the pastoral counsel we have sought that has confirmed the choice we are making.  I also can not turn back from the peacefulness that has overcome my house or my family. The mighty grace of God has been more than sufficient for all of us in this time.  Do I condone divorce, NO! Would I encourage anyone to take this path, no, because it is hard no matter how amicable it is. Everyone's story is different, and until you have lived what others have lived, you honestly don't get an opinion. 

The show is indeed over, we are indeed saying goodbye, and we are in fact bowing out, but only to our marriage. We now start on a new journey.  A journey to be united as parents, to show grace to each other, and to do the best darn job we can for our kids.  We will forever be connected as Cam and Colbs' mom and dad.  We have a history that no one could ever understand.  We are on a mission to be the best we can be, and even though that means we are no longer a couple, we will never stop being a team!  We ask for respect from those around us. Please be kind, because you do not know our story, and you do not know the battles we have fought. 

All the world is a stage, And everyone has their part, But how was I to know which way the story'd go....Take a bow the night is over...say Goodbye. 

The Highlght Reel - Not so Top 10

It is often said that I am "not a real girl".  I love sports, and ESPN, and really don't enjoy shopping AT ALL. That being said my absolute favorite thing to watch on ESPN is the not so top 10.  As adults we get so wrapped up in highlight reels.  Who's the best, who's the brightest, who did the most, who has the most.  Sometimes it's really nice to sit back and laugh at life.  Why do we have such a hard time laughing at our mistakes and enjoying just being human?  I saw this post on Pinterest a few weeks ago and it really hit home...

Talk about an Ah Ha moment! All social media is, is one giant highlight reel, at least for most people.  Of course there are the few that find it necessary to spew ALL of their behind the scene action, but that is another blog all together.  So I have decided to share my Not so Top 10 FB Picts.  There are more, and this might not actually be the best of the best, but it is a glimpse into how what we post is certainly not always 100% reality.

10. The Caption: The Best Smiles come from Little Boys who are about the Ride the Choo Choo Train.

The Behind the Scenes: Mommy ran inside as soon as she snapped this shot.  It was super cold and I don't do cold.  My intension was to watch from the window, but I ended up eating a cupcake and chatting in the kitchen with other moms not interested in freezing (yes several moms).

9.  The Caption: Making the best of our last day of freedom

The Highlight Reel:  Last day of summer, mom is taking all the girls to do something special. What a cute place and fun time.

The Behind the Scenes: Mom didn't do her research.  She assumed that Denton Square Donuts where actual doughnuts just in the shape of a square.  However, we quickly found out that they actually serve puff pastries that are just air and fluffy crust.  The girls hated them and we ended up leaving and going to the actual doughnut shop down the street. 

 



 



8. Caption: Angel Picture at the Water Park.  We Love Field Trip Day.

 

The Highlight Reel:  Awesome Teachers being rewarded with their kids for a year of their hard work.

 

The Behind the Scenes: If you look closely you will see I am in a jacket.  I was miserable.  The thermostat said 86 I think, but I require temps of at least 100 to enjoy water activities of ANY kind. Shortly after this picture I was forced into the lazy river, where I stayed for one trip around before I got out, and was called "a giant whiny baby".  I retreated to the bathroom, dried off, ordered cheese fries and sat for the rest of the day in a jacket and sweat pants,  covered up with every dry towel in sight. 

 

 

 

7. Caption: She is her mother's daughter

 

The Highlight Reel:  Daughter walking in her mom's foot steps.  Mom is teaching the daughter tricks of the trade.

 

The Behind the Scenes:  I'm in a panic! We are on an open air trolley, making sharp turns, looking at an airplane grave yard.  My lens is knocking against the window at times, and I am shuttering.  I keep having to remind myself that letting her feel important is what she needs.  All the while I am trying not to grab it and "help her" and I'm having to remind myself to breath!

 

 

6. Caption: Girls night out. Midnight showing of Hunger Games

 

The Highlight Reel:  Good friends = Candid Shot

 

The Behind the Scenes:  You all know good and well it took about 15 tries to get a shot suitable for social media.  It also took 45 different angles, cropping and filters, for us to both be happy.

 

 

 

5. Caption: Sassy Girls

 

The Highlight Reel: Beautiful Cousins, Great Picture, So Blessed..etc

 

The Behind the Scenes: Look Close and you might be able to see the tear stains on Cam's face. I had made her cry about 5 minutes before, threated to spank her, and sent her to the car.  This happens almost every time I try to take pictures of Cam.  She is Chandler (if you don't watch Friends you won't understand).  She is beautiful and has a fantastic smile, but as soon as she starts "trying" to smile it is a train wreck and frustrates her Photog Mom to a level I can't even explain!

 

 

 

4. Caption: He has to fire going when I got home.  It's the little things that tell me he loves me.

 

The Highlight Reel: WOW...great husband and warm fire.

 

The Behind the Scenes:  Note I am not knocking my husband.  He very well might have started that fire for me. It also might have been because it's gas and doesn't produce ANY heat so he doesn't mind it being on, or because we had just figured out the day before how to work it.  Maybe it's because the kids asked him to do it.  Bottom line, I have no idea why it was going when I got home, but I choose to believe my caption was right on......

 

 

 

 

3. Caption: Showing off my new Soft Kitty Shirt. Thanks SJ!

 

The Highlight Reel: WHAT... Soft Kitty Shirt. Cute smile, pretty eyes, having a fun time.

 

The Behind the Scene:  I just cleaned up VOMIT! It was gross.  My kid was sick, I had just picked him up from school. Cleaned up vomit, changed clothes and was on my way to the Dr's Office. I only took the pict, because it was the first time I had worn this shirt after getting it for my birthday.  It was only supposed to be a text, but I liked it so much I made it a profile picture.

 

 

 

 

 

2.  Caption:  Fun times at Nathan's Wedding with my Handsome Man.

 

The Highlight Reel:  Happy Couple at a Beautiful Wedding.  

 

The Behind the Scene:  This Picture resulted in a HUGE argument.  Well not necessarily this picture but the 10 I took trying to get one that I liked.  This phenomenon frustrates the MESS out of my husband. He thinks they all look the same. I think the conversations went something like this "You get mad when I don't post pictures of the two of us, and now you are mad because I want to take a pict."  "I wasn't mad on the first, or second, or third......"

 

 

 

 

 

1. Caption:  Cozy Day with my Cuties.  Monkey Bread for Breakfast, soup slow cooking for dinner, popping popcorn with fire later this afternoon. 

 

The Highlight Reel: Gotta Love a snow day, lazy and everyone spends the day in bliss.

 

The Behind the Scene:  I did make monkey bread...I cooked it 10 minutes longer than I was supposed to, but there were some pieces that weren't cooked through.  It was like playing Russian Roulette at the breakfast table.  Take a piece try it..oh it's still raw...spit it out...try again.  I am slow cooking soup.  Taco Soup. It's in the crock pot and requires I brown meat and open different cans of beans.  We are popping Popcorn later...that is if the roads clear up and we can go buy some jiffy pop at Walmart.  

 

 

 

Other happenings before this picture:: Elfie didn't Move last night...CRAP...I told them it's because it was it was so cold outside he didn't want to leave.  Truth is I crash on the couch at 9:00!

 

My Daughter was sent back to her room after being up for 3.5 minutes! Attitude was more than I wanted to deal with.

 

House is a wreck, laundry needs to be done, and my kids don't understand why we aren't going to see Frozen.  I chose to spend the last 30 (okay we're being honest) 60 minutes typing this blog, sitting by my heater, and avoiding what I should be doing!  I also lost my phone, wasn't super intent on finding it which resulted in 23 missed calls from my worried working husband and a visit from my neighbor. Uh Oh!

 

So there ya go.  The not so top 10! Bottom line, don't believe everything you see.  I'm not saying people are lying, but we have to remember that everyone has issues, everyone is unhappy at least part of the time, and no one is perfect. No marriage is always great, no ones kids act right all the time, and we are all human.  So soak it up, enjoy your imperfections and the quirks that make life so interesting.

 

PS..I'm sure this blog is riddled with typos..WHY, because after blogger shut down 3 times during this process I'm done looking at it, and the dishes are screaming my name (oh wait that's my 4 year old)!

Special Shoes to High Heels!

I am 100% a Murphy's Law kind of a person.  If it's going to happen it's going to happen to me. If anyone is getting caught, it's me! If anyone is going to get in trouble, ME.  If anyone gets hurt, odds are it's me.  If someone's going to be late to a meeting, yep probably me! This is actually not new.  If you ask my parents they will tell you that I was also an ML kid.  If any one was going to get stitches, break a bone, have a wreck, it was again going to be me! For instance, I broke my ankle in the 7th grade during a basketball game.  It was a bad break and I was in a cast FOREVER! The day I got totally released and was "healed" I headed over the skating rink with my friends.  A few hours later I was going home with a broken elbow! Like I said I'm an ML Girl!!

When I was born I was born without my Esophageal Sphincter. That is the flap at the top of your esophagus that prevents your food from coming right back up.  As you can imagine without it, I was a very difficult baby to feed, which also meant I cried A LOT! I maintain that my aunt and uncle didn't have kids, because my parents made them babysit me when I was about 2 weeks old. Let me tell you, that is a story that 30 years later I have yet to live down.  I also maintain that Colby cried for the 1st 4 weeks of his life because I was reaping what I had sown! :-)

Not only did I have the whole sphincter issue going on, but I was also born Pigeon Toed! That little know fact is actually the reason for the title of this blog. The other day (after hearing a story about her daughter) I told my friend MJ (Check out her blog Here) that sometimes I really have to think about which shoe goes on which foot. She looked at me like I was crazy and had to tell her that I was Pigeon Toed when I was little.  I explained that I had to wear special shoes to turn my feet out, but that after a while I just had to wear my shoes on the wrong feet and that finished fixing them. I don't actually remember being Pigeon Toed. I've heard stories, and seen the shoes, and know that I learned to put my shoes on wrong.  Honestly, It's no longer a problem I can manage getting my shoes on the right feet, but will admit that I do put them side by side every morning just to be sure!

I had a good laugh a few months ago, after our Campus Police Officer told me that I was a very intimidating person.  I told him that I didn't understand because I never intended or tried to be intimidating.  He said it had to do with my height when I wore heels and the way that I "always walk with such purpose".  I immediately went to tell MJ (clearly she is my main school confidant) and we had a good laugh.  I joking told her that being intimidating was the only reason I started wearing high heels and eye liner.

However, the comment also made me think about The Little Pigeon Toed Girl that was born without an Esophageal Sphincter.  Who knew I'd go from Special Shoes to High Heels? Who knew I'd ever be able to walk in High Heels without killing myself? Who knew anyone would ever look at that little girl and tell her she was intimidating?  I guess the point is, that you never know where you're going to end up. What I'm trying to say is that you can never let what you were born with define who you are going to be.  Trials are a part of life. For some they are a bigger part than for others, but that doesn't matter!  The possibilities in life are endless.  Even for a girl with shoes on the wrong feet. 

Transparent....

If you are hoping for some awe inspiring, life changing, lyrically charged post...STOP NOW!! It's January 21st, and since I am desperate to not break my "one blog a month" resolution, I'm going for the most obvious...ME!

There are a lot of people that think they know me, and there are several people that actually do know me, but there are VERY few people that REALLY REALLY know me! Those of you that fall in the "think you know me category" you're in for a treat.  I present Transparency....

I have a mental block that hinders me from finding the laundry hamper with roughly 85% of my clothes.  The chair in my room, (that I got from my Granny's house), holds about 50%, the other 35% can be found on my bathroom floor, leaving only 15% that actually find the hamper.  This is a phenomenon that drives Rob INsane!!

We can not be friends unless you are okay with my "12 year old boy" sense of humor.  My ability to turn anything benign into something inappropriate is really more like a gift. You're Welcome!

I can't get a facial or go into ANY type of steam sauna.  When steam is in my face I literally forget how to breath.

I laugh at the worst times!! I have a nervous laugh, so when I'm really uncomfortable or nervous I start laughing.  It's like a tick or something. I really can't control it, and it has gotten me in trouble MANY times. 

When I think, concentrate, or am listening intensely, I have the worst look on my face.  So much so that I have been accused of "being harsh" during meetings.  I am not trying to give anyone a proverbial "go to H.E.double hockey sticks look", but apparently I do. Let me assure you...  I'M JUST LISTENING!!!

I can't work an iron.  Well I can work it, plug it in, add water, watch it steam, I've got that down.  I can't however get wrinkles out of clothing with it.  No lie It takes me a good 35 minutes to an hour to iron a pair of slacks.  That's after I have gone back over each pant leg and the butt trying to get the creases out that are worse than the wrinkles before I started.  Thank God Rob is an outstanding Ironer!

I can't watch conflict (insert nervous laugh).  I can be involved in conflict if I believe in the cause, but I can NOT watch others fight or argue.  I want to crawl out of my skin or hide under a table. It makes me so uncomfortable.  I blame this on the fact that my parents NEVER fought.  I can not remember one time growing up, or even as an adult, that I have witnessed my parents have even an argument.

I will not fight fair, because I HATE to lose.  It's not like I will get all manipulative or dirty, but I will watch, and wait, and at the very moment you least expect it, I'll win!

I am the world's best at smiling when I don't want to.  It goes along with the whole "fake it until you make it" philosophy. 

I say what I mean and I mean what I say! If you are not prepared to hear an honest answer don't ask me the question.  I don't say things just to say them or to make people happy.  I say them because they are true.  I wasn't the girl in School that I would tell EVERY boyfriend that I loved Them.  I don't call all my friends "My Best" Friend.  Words are POWERFUL and they mean something.  So I don't take them lightly! If I tell you like like you it's because I do.  Believe me you will always know where you stand with me.

I have too much going on in my head.  I am an over thinker, an over processor, an over analyzer, and an over planner.  My mind is in constant thought.  Usually random, and never the same thing for more than a few minutes.  It's a constant whirl wind of what ifs, and buts, and conversations that I'll NEVER have with people.  Which leads me to....

I am the most forgetful person on the planet.  I don't want to be, and I'm not ADD, but when I get focused on something that's it.  That's ALL I'm doing until it's done.  If you ask me to do something while I'm thinking about, or doing something else, I WILL forget.  Which is why I typically do things IMMEDIATELY after being asked.  It's also why I rely on my sweet husband and friends to give me a MILLION reminders a day!

I am realizing that I could go on and on for days about my imperfections.  So In closing I will draw some inspiration from Ms. Monroe....I can be selfish, I can be impatient, I am always insecure.  I constantly make mistakes, but I'm getting better at admitting when I do.  I do my best every day to make me a better me. Regardless of how many flaws I have, I also possess a ton of greatness! The best thing is... once you have me, I'm fiercely loyal.  From the moment I connect with you, I will do almost anything in my power to make sure you're happy and okay! Unless you break my trust, and then... well that's a WHOLE other blog! ;0)