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Wednesday, October 28, 2015

A Decade of Motherhood

I don’t have time to blog, really I don’t, and yet this one is long.  With grad school, teaching, photography, and #momlife, I don’t have time to think straight, or even function properly, but I also can’t stop thinking about my daughter’s birthday. In the next few hours I will have officially been a mom for 10 years. 10 YEARS!! I can’t even begin to explain how many lessons I have learned in the last decade.  As all mom’s quickly find out, you do things you promised you would never do, you say things you swore you would never say, and the best advice you can give to any new or expectant mom is, “it won’t go like you think it’s going to”.  Motherhood is the scariest, most incredible, craziest ride you can every get on, but every day is worth it! I have never done anything as infuriating, and yet as rewarding, as being a mom. With that being said, I now present to you, The Top 10 Things I have Learned from and about Cameron Reece.
10. Payback is Real:  
I have called my parents multiple times since having Cam and have begged for their forgiveness. It’s a wonder I am still alive. I have told them that I can’t believe I made it 18 years in their house and still have my tongue in my mouth. They had every right, and every reason, to cut that sucker out. I have learned that when people say, “you’ll pay for your raising” oh you very much will. Cameron is funny, she is witty, and she says exactly what comes to her mind. We are working on this daily. Just because it’s truthful doesn’t mean it is necessary!  We also work on tone. I say we because at 33 It’s not a skill I have mastered yet. She also has more attitude on some days than I prefer to deal with, but we deal, and sometimes we have to deal in harsh ways, but she knows I love her, and she knows that she will never be allowed to be less than the best version of herself.
9.  “Because I said so” IS a valid reason:  
In my idealistic world before children I used to say, “there will always be a reason for my requests, I will never tell my kids it’s because I said so, I will always be willing to answer all of their questions.”  NOPE, terrible mistake!  Cameron began asking “why” at around 14 mths old.  These were legitimate “why’s”.  She was not being malicious she was naturally curious. At first I wanted to foster this curiosity, but at age 3 when she could argue better than any politician in America, I decided I was done answering her questions. I would answer some, but not all, some things she was going to have to do, because I said so! Everything had become a battle of wits and I learned that she needed to understand that sometimes no questions needed to be asked.  We are still working on that.
8. My words and my actions matter: 
I work on this daily. DAILY! I am not a perfect person, or a perfect mom, and I don’t expect her to think that I am.  I apologize to her, I admit when I am wrong, and sometimes I look at her and say, “I’m sorry that I have been in a terrible mood lately”.  She has taught me that if I ever expect her to know how to own her mistakes she has to see that I am willing to own mine.  Cameron and I talk a lot.  She tends to hold things in and avoid her emotions. I want her to know early that sometimes it’s okay to breakdown. I want her to feel secure in not being strong all the time.
7. Some kids need a leash: 
Judge lest you be judged.  In my late teens parents who put their children on leashes appalled me.  There was nothing more infuriating in my mind than a child that could not be controlled with a simple request to “stay here”.  Well as God would have it, I would soon learn, that some kids just aren’t great at staying.  As soon as Cam could walk she had places to go, and things to see, and if that meant she needed to go by herself that was fine. She was not scared. She has never been scared of anything a day in her life. I love this about her now. I love her independence. I love that she is willing to go alone. It will serve her well in life, but as a toddler it earned her a cute little monkey backpack with a tail leash that I held on to.
6. Some people are just born competitive: 
This is a gene! I don’t care what anyone says, competitive nature is GENETIC and there is nothing that can be done.  I realized this about age 3.  We were playing a board game for the first time and upon her losing she picked up a game piece and chunked it against the wall.  We had a lesson about being a good loser, and I realized that was something she would have to learn.  I was happy to teach her, because I hate losing too, and therefore aren't good at letting kids win. Cameron fights for every win imaginable. Everything's a competition. Sometimes this is an endearing trait that makes me laugh and sometimes this is a trait that makes me want to lose my mind.
5. Some battles aren’t worth fighting: 
Cameron started dressing herself around 2 and stopped matching by 2.5.  By age 4 she no longer brushed her hair, at age 5 she consistently wore two different shoes, or no shoes at all. This was a battle I refused to fight. It was a battle my mom begged me to fight! However, there was no reason. We battled over so much more, when she was a toddler, that I refused to battle her on clothes.  I started calling her a hobo at age 6 and that still rings true on most day.  Now she is my free spirited wild hearted queen of style.  She puts things together that are unconventional and yet totally work. She refuses to buy things at retail stores, because why buy it new when you can buy them at a thrift shop. Clothes have been her biggest freedom and her greatest source of creativity. (which means I am a "terrible mom" for making her go to a school with uniforms)

4. What makes you different makes you beautiful: 
Cam has these eyes that pierce your soul and capture you heart (and some days try to rip it out), but when I see her that isn’t the beauty that I see. I see her empathetic heart that hurts for anyone who doesn’t have as much as she has. I see her fighting spirit that calls out for justice anytime someone is wronged. I see a child that at 10 years old can read people like a book.  She is equal parts sensitive and strong but she will only let you see the strength.  She reads a lot and requires more alone time than most people. She is sweet, and would do anything for anyone, and yet she has this fiery side that you don’t want to meet. She is random, funny, and so witty. With her, what you see is what you get, the only problem is you aren’t ever quite sure who you’re going to get. She is a beautiful mystery. I’ve learned that letting her be her, even if it’s different every day, is okay. She doesn’t have to fit a mold. She doesn’t have to dance to the same music as everyone else. She can be weird, because what makes her weird now, is going to make her awesome as an adult. One day after someone had complemented her eyes, and she had said thank you, she looked at me and said, "mom, they are just eyes, why does everyone think they are a big deal, is that all anyone will ever see". I told her because of that comment right there, I was certain they would always see much more!

3. Childlike faith is a beautiful thing: 
Cam was never really a child. People who knew her when she was a little little girl can attest to this.  There was always something about the way she talked and carried herself. She has an old soul. She has always been wise and intelligent beyond her years. However, she has faith in things that are unseen. She believes in the inherent goodness of people. She has a faith in God that is remarkable and faith in her future.  She has spoken life into situations that I have completely given up on. It is in these times that I realize that this is the one area of her life she doesn’t question. Don’t get me wrong, she has questions, and I have answered them as they have come up, but in grade scheme she just knows. As a mom there is nothing more beautiful to watch.

2. I need her far more than she needs me: 
I didn't grow up wanting kids or loving babies. The very thought of a child scared the life out of me, what would I even do with a tiny human, and how could I possibly do this parenting thing right.  What I know now is that I have learned more from being her mom than she will ever learn from me. I understand God’s love for me, the selfless, pure, unconditional love, that you can only have for your child.  It doesn’t matter how much I screw up, He will never stop loving me, just like I will never stop loving her. That kind of love, isn't something you can understand until you are looking into the eyes of someone that you helped create. Knowing that you would die just to see them succeed and be happy. Cameron reminds me everyday that I am loved.  She reminds me everyday that if I accomplish nothing else in my life the joy of being her mom will be enough.

1. I still have no idea what I am doing: 
Everyday she teaches me something new. I take that back, every hour I learn something new about being a mom.  I learn that no matter how much I love her, guide her, pour truth into her, one day she is going to be on her own.  I pray everyday that she keepers her independent spirit. I pray she keeps being a fighter, and never loses her gypsy soul, or her free spirited nature. I know that we have a long road ahead of us. Let’s be honest. The teenage years are probably going to be a challenge with this one, but I’m up for the task, and will blog about that too. I have loved every amazing, frustrating, scary, wonderful, heartbreaking, truly fabulous minute of being a mom and I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world. HAPPY 10th BIRTHDAY CamReece!  

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