Confessions of a Broken Heart

I'm not sure that anything in this world is worse than losing someone we love.  You see I have this theory about loss.  It goes something like this....When God created the world (and us) he created us to be forever beings.  He didn't create us to lose those we love or to ever die.  That wasn't his original purpose.  It wasn't until sin entered the world that death also came into play.  That's why I think it is so hard for us mentally when someone passes.  We weren't meant to say goodbye, it's not in our nature. 

As a parent I can't imagine ever losing a child, regardless of age, it just isn't natural.  I think it's just as hard when you lose someone and you don't know if they could have been saved.  If you could have done more or said more.  You start to analyze every word you ever said, wondering if you would have just said ONE more thing, THE RIGHT THING, you could have made a difference.  Of course I know that everything happens for a reason and that ultimately no fault can be assigned, but some days believing that, is harder than others. 

It's officially been 730 days.  I count days, because that is how often I think of you, and some days I count the minutes, because your memory is just that strong. I didn't realize at the time that I should be memorizing your face, your words, memorizing all the things that made you...you. Deep down inside I knew the end was near, but I couldn't make myself believe it.  I wanted there to be one more time, one more call, one more chance for me to make it okay.  I wanted to pretend that there was plenty of time for new memories. More weekends of fun, and laughter, crazy jokes, and south park impressions, but all too soon the times we took for granted were just cherished memories.

Your call never came, yet my phone rang none the less

 I remember the day, I remember the call

I remember the moment that changed it all

My tears wouldn't come

At least not at first 

My heart wasn't ready at accept the very worst

 

My heart aches each September

and I struggle with regret

The last words that were spoken I'll always remember

and that last call I'll never forget

 

My mind and your memory always bring me back

and remind me that your spirit's free

Living in joy and peace and forever that's where you'll be

 

In Loving Memory of Aaron Isaac Bradley Peel. Our hearts will never be the same!

Confessions of a Baseball Mom

So to go along with my last post I think I will go on a "confessions" blog title binge. I won't lie, especially since I admitted it in a status update earlier today on FB, I did not grow up aspiring to be a mom.  Actually, when it came time for us to have kids 7 years ago it was Rob that did the asking, Rob that wanted to start a family, Rob that couldn't wait.  I on the other hand was thinking, "what ever shall I do with a little human?"  Of course, I have learned that nothing compares to having kids.  I would not trade them for the world, and the vast majority of my greatest joys, have been watching them grow and change, and accomplish new things.  One of the things I was adamant about was my refusal to ever be crazy sports mom! Don't get me wrong, I knew my kids would play sports, we love sports, but I refused to be the psycho mom in the Team Shirt, with her kids name on the back, with a matching hat, and window sticker.

Now that the background has been set, and the rules have been laid out, now I can get on with the confession....

So a few weeks ago Colby signed up for Blastball, which is nothing more than 3 and 4 year old Tee-Ball.  I thought I was safe and completely on track with the "none psycho mom" rule.  After all I had managed to watch Cam play soccer for 2.5 years and never get a sticker or a tee shirt.  That's not to say (in the beginning) I didn't fight the urge a few times, and of course I looked like the paparazzi with my camera at her games, but I managed to make it! No stickers, no hats, no shirts, I was proud.  Then today it happened, I walked out of my house with this...

....and it was like I snapped, how in the world could I not want a Rangers shirt, with the word Mom, and the #8, on the back?  Thank heavens I lasted all day without a trip to Hobby Lobby, but I have to ask myself, how much longer can I hold out?  How many more times can my adorable kids come out in their precious uniforms without me cracking like an egg? How long until my car is Covered in stickers with names and numbers? How long until I have the tee shirt and the hat?

Disclaimer:: I DO NOT love my son more than my daughter, but I do love baseball more than soccer! So much so that I may I have teared up at the first sight of him. One thing I will guarantee is that the same reaction will hold true when Cam walks out in her first pair of knee pads and volleyball tights. At that point I'll be just a jazzed for her, and at that point, I don't know that I will be mentally sound enough to fight it! I guess as long as I stay out of a mini-van a few window stickers won't hurt...right? :0)

Confessions of a Binge Runner

I have to confess! I am a binge runner...actually I am a binge EVERYTHINGer.  You see I'm the kind of person that does things in spurts.  Take this blog for instance.  I go a year without blogging only to blog twice in one night.  I get crafty for a spell and then I stop.  I eat really great for a few months and then eat nothing but junk.  It really is a very strange thing.  My journal is a PERFECT example of my bingieness. I will write everyday for months on end and then nothing for weeks. I binge shop, NOTHING new for months and then BAM, shopping spree (loosely defined I'm teacher). I binge read, 5, 6, 7 novels in just a few weeks, only to go for weeks on end without picking up a book. I think a lot (note that's 2 words), while I run, and tonight I figured out this phenomenon while I was jogging.  My first jog in about 10 weeks!

I started my last workout binge in January of this year! I literally worked out ALL the time.  I was going to bootcamp, running, and hitting the gym.  I was really excited about my body (well as excited as a girl with body image issues can be) and I loved how I felt.  Tons of energy, less stress, and just an over all healthy outlook. Enter April and the dang warrior dash.  Actually it wasn't the warrior dash's fault, it was my thinking that I could run my normal 3.5 miles in 5 finger shoes, WRONG!! So I ended up running the warrior dash with a stress fracture and then wearing a boot, for what was supposed to be 3 weeks, but lasted roughly 5 days! :0)  This however did not completely stop my binge. I still did some elliptical at the gym and even some weight training.  While I had slowed down considerably, I actually thought I had lasted long enough that I was in, full on, life altering, no going back, non-binge, workout mode! Well I thought wrong.  The binge ended on roughly May 23rd (okay that might be more of an exact date).  What was supposed to be a few days of rest turned into the rest of May, the WHOLE month of June, 1 workout at the gym in July, and ONE (only one) run/walk in August.  Yup....My binge was over!

Then Sadly, without warning, as these things often do, the vicious workout cycle trapped me! You know the one, you have no energy, so you don't go workout, but really if you would go workout, you would have more energy to workout.  It's like the worlds BIGGEST catch 22! So anyway..As of tonight I am now officially back on the wagon.  I went running for the 1st time in Sept.  Already I feel better. I always dread getting out there, but once I'm about a half mile in, I remember that I actually really do love to run, and then about mile 3, I remember that I actually HATE to run, but it's too late to stop! So here goes, here's to hoping this workout binge lasts for the rest of my life, or at least until my new "slimmer bod" pants aren't quite as tight....We shall see.....

Hey lucky you! It looks like I'm blog binging! :0) What shall I write about next?

Missy Rain!

Because 2 dogs, 1 cat, 2 kids, and full time insanity are not enough...Cameron got a horse almost a year ago. About the same I wrote my last blog post. :0)  I'm not going to lie, I am absolutely living vicariously though her on this one.

The story of Missy Rain. Missy lives behind our church. She was up for sell and able to stay in her current location. Since the only thing stopping us from getting a horse was location. I called my Daddy (no I have not grown out of that...Don't judge) and told him that there was no way he could deny his AMAZINGLY cute grand-daughter a horse! Okay okay that's not exactly how the conversation went, but it was something like that.  I also got my mom involved who is ALSO living vicariously though Cameron on this one, but only until they move to property with more land.

Missy is a great horse! She does wonderful with Cameron and although it was too hot this summer to ride we are so excited it's cooling down so we can get back in the Saddle.  Yes I said "WE", I absolutely love riding, it's the greatest feeling in the world, to be up high, on the most majestic animal on the planet. 

Here are a few pictures of our amazing Missy Rain (the Rain part was added by Colby who is convinced she is Rain from the Movie Spirit).

Obviously these pictures were taken before Cam's hair got cut off, but you get the idea!! WELCOME to the FAMILY Missy RAIN (a year later...sigh)!!