A Decade of Motherhood

I don’t have time to blog, really I don’t, and yet this one is long.  With grad school, teaching, photography, and #momlife, I don’t have time to think straight, or even function properly, but I also can’t stop thinking about my daughter’s birthday. In the next few hours I will have officially been a mom for 10 years. 10 YEARS!! I can’t even begin to explain how many lessons I have learned in the last decade.  As all mom’s quickly find out, you do things you promised you would never do, you say things you swore you would never say, and the best advice you can give to any new or expectant mom is, “it won’t go like you think it’s going to”.  Motherhood is the scariest, most incredible, craziest ride you can every get on, but every day is worth it! I have never done anything as infuriating, and yet as rewarding, as being a mom. With that being said, I now present to you, The Top 10 Things I have Learned from and about Cameron Reece.

10. Payback is Real:  

I have called my parents multiple times since having Cam and have begged for their forgiveness. It’s a wonder I am still alive. I have told them that I can’t believe I made it 18 years in their house and still have my tongue in my mouth. They had every right, and every reason, to cut that sucker out. I have learned that when people say, “you’ll pay for your raising” oh you very much will. Cameron is funny, she is witty, and she says exactly what comes to her mind. We are working on this daily. Just because it’s truthful doesn’t mean it is necessary!  We also work on tone. I say we because at 33 It’s not a skill I have mastered yet. She also has more attitude on some days than I prefer to deal with, but we deal, and sometimes we have to deal in harsh ways, but she knows I love her, and she knows that she will never be allowed to be less than the best version of herself.

9.  “Because I said so” IS a valid reason:  

In my idealistic world before children I used to say, “there will always be a reason for my requests, I will never tell my kids it’s because I said so, I will always be willing to answer all of their questions.”  NOPE, terrible mistake!  Cameron began asking “why” at around 14 mths old.  These were legitimate “why’s”.  She was not being malicious she was naturally curious. At first I wanted to foster this curiosity, but at age 3 when she could argue better than any politician in America, I decided I was done answering her questions. I would answer some, but not all, some things she was going to have to do, because I said so! Everything had become a battle of wits and I learned that she needed to understand that sometimes no questions needed to be asked.  We are still working on that.

8. My words and my actions matter: 

I work on this daily. DAILY! I am not a perfect person, or a perfect mom, and I don’t expect her to think that I am.  I apologize to her, I admit when I am wrong, and sometimes I look at her and say, “I’m sorry that I have been in a terrible mood lately”.  She has taught me that if I ever expect her to know how to own her mistakes she has to see that I am willing to own mine.  Cameron and I talk a lot.  She tends to hold things in and avoid her emotions. I want her to know early that sometimes it’s okay to breakdown. I want her to feel secure in not being strong all the time.

7. Some kids need a leash: 

Judge lest you be judged.  In my late teens parents who put their children on leashes appalled me.  There was nothing more infuriating in my mind than a child that could not be controlled with a simple request to “stay here”.  Well as God would have it, I would soon learn, that some kids just aren’t great at staying.  As soon as Cam could walk she had places to go, and things to see, and if that meant she needed to go by herself that was fine. She was not scared. She has never been scared of anything a day in her life. I love this about her now. I love her independence. I love that she is willing to go alone. It will serve her well in life, but as a toddler it earned her a cute little monkey backpack with a tail leash that I held on to.

6. Some people are just born competitive: 

This is a gene! I don’t care what anyone says, competitive nature is GENETIC and there is nothing that can be done.  I realized this about age 3.  We were playing a board game for the first time and upon her losing she picked up a game piece and chunked it against the wall.  We had a lesson about being a good loser, and I realized that was something she would have to learn.  I was happy to teach her, because I hate losing too, and therefore aren't good at letting kids win. Cameron fights for every win imaginable. Everything's a competition. Sometimes this is an endearing trait that makes me laugh and sometimes this is a trait that makes me want to lose my mind.

5. Some battles aren’t worth fighting: 

Cameron started dressing herself around 2 and stopped matching by 2.5.  By age 4 she no longer brushed her hair, at age 5 she consistently wore two different shoes, or no shoes at all. This was a battle I refused to fight. It was a battle my mom begged me to fight! However, there was no reason. We battled over so much more, when she was a toddler, that I refused to battle her on clothes.  I started calling her a hobo at age 6 and that still rings true on most day.  Now she is my free spirited wild hearted queen of style.  She puts things together that are unconventional and yet totally work. She refuses to buy things at retail stores, because why buy it new when you can buy them at a thrift shop. Clothes have been her biggest freedom and her greatest source of creativity. (which means I am a "terrible mom" for making her go to a school with uniforms)

4. What makes you different makes you beautiful: 

Cam has these eyes that pierce your soul and capture you heart (and some days try to rip it out), but when I see her that isn’t the beauty that I see. I see her empathetic heart that hurts for anyone who doesn’t have as much as she has. I see her fighting spirit that calls out for justice anytime someone is wronged. I see a child that at 10 years old can read people like a book.  She is equal parts sensitive and strong but she will only let you see the strength.  She reads a lot and requires more alone time than most people. She is sweet, and would do anything for anyone, and yet she has this fiery side that you don’t want to meet. She is random, funny, and so witty. With her, what you see is what you get, the only problem is you aren’t ever quite sure who you’re going to get. She is a beautiful mystery. I’ve learned that letting her be her, even if it’s different every day, is okay. She doesn’t have to fit a mold. She doesn’t have to dance to the same music as everyone else. She can be weird, because what makes her weird now, is going to make her awesome as an adult. One day after someone had complemented her eyes, and she had said thank you, she looked at me and said, "mom, they are just eyes, why does everyone think they are a big deal, is that all anyone will ever see". I told her because of that comment right there, I was certain they would always see much more!

3. Childlike faith is a beautiful thing: 

Cam was never really a child. People who knew her when she was a little little girl can attest to this.  There was always something about the way she talked and carried herself. She has an old soul. She has always been wise and intelligent beyond her years. However, she has faith in things that are unseen. She believes in the inherent goodness of people. She has a faith in God that is remarkable and faith in her future.  She has spoken life into situations that I have completely given up on. It is in these times that I realize that this is the one area of her life she doesn’t question. Don’t get me wrong, she has questions, and I have answered them as they have come up, but in grade scheme she just knows. As a mom there is nothing more beautiful to watch.

2. I need her far more than she needs me: 

I didn't grow up wanting kids or loving babies. The very thought of a child scared the life out of me, what would I even do with a tiny human, and how could I possibly do this parenting thing right.  What I know now is that I have learned more from being her mom than she will ever learn from me. I understand God’s love for me, the selfless, pure, unconditional love, that you can only have for your child.  It doesn’t matter how much I screw up, He will never stop loving me, just like I will never stop loving her. That kind of love, isn't something you can understand until you are looking into the eyes of someone that you helped create. Knowing that you would die just to see them succeed and be happy. Cameron reminds me everyday that I am loved.  She reminds me everyday that if I accomplish nothing else in my life the joy of being her mom will be enough.

1. I still have no idea what I am doing: 

Everyday she teaches me something new. I take that back, every hour I learn something new about being a mom.  I learn that no matter how much I love her, guide her, pour truth into her, one day she is going to be on her own.  I pray everyday that she keepers her independent spirit. I pray she keeps being a fighter, and never loses her gypsy soul, or her free spirited nature. I know that we have a long road ahead of us. Let’s be honest. The teenage years are probably going to be a challenge with this one, but I’m up for the task, and will blog about that too. I have loved every amazing, frustrating, scary, wonderful, heartbreaking, truly fabulous minute of being a mom and I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world. HAPPY 10th BIRTHDAY CamReece!  

It is okay not to be okay all the time!

As someone who prides herself on emotional control the last three weeks have been really hard for me. There has been a constant battle between my strong mind and my fragile heart. If I’m being honest I have suffered from what I call “leaky eye” a lot. Leaky eye is my affectionate way of describing sudden onset crying that has no real basis.  I’m not even sad! WHY AM I CRYING??  In the last three weeks I have probably cried more than I have in years.  I have also lost my mind a few times and I am so grateful that the people I love are still standing.  Three weeks ago one of my dear friends came to me and said, “I feel like I need to tell you that it is okay not be okay all the time”.  In that moment I was like, oh I know, but I am okay all the time, so it’s all good.  Little did I know the following 15 days would be spent reminding myself that it actually is okay not be okay all the time.

August 23^rd marked one year since Rob and I separated and filed for divorce.  It’s been an incredible 365 days. I have grown in ways that I never thought possible.  I have faced emotional fears. I have challenged wrong patterns of thinking, and despite every fiber in my body screaming, “don’t you dare”, I have trusted people more than I ever have (not a lot of people but a few). The result is that 97.3% of those days have been beautiful, and 100% of those days have been spent in peace regardless of any extenuating circumstances.  I still have no doubts that we did the right thing, and that through this “terrible” thing we did, we created a healthier, more stable, environment for Cam and Colbs. 

After all that you can understand why I found the sadness and anger of the last few weeks so perplexing. Why all the sudden am I so upset?  Why am I a wreck? Why are my eyes so leaky? Then it hit me. I had fought for the last five years of my marriage and tried to make everything okay. I wanted nothing more than to be one of those couples that walked away “victorious” simply for the bragging rights.  I wasn’t mourning the loss of my marriage. I was mourning my loss, my pride, my inability to fix something. I was angry, because I felt like I wasn’t good enough to make it work. That’s actually a lie. I am enough, and more than that I have to forgive myself for not being able to fix something that I had no control over in the first place. There is no shame in fighting for something and winning the victory differently than you had pictured. 

After hearing me talk about how I felt, another one of my dear friends (more like a mom) said to me, “I’m so glad you feel this way. Even though what you did was right, you still have to grieve, and doing it now just means you will be healthier later.”  Another confirmation that it was okay not be okay. There is a certain comfort in knowing that I don’t have to be strong all the time and that I don’t have to have it all worked out. Being sad that my marriage of 10 years and relationship of 17 is over, and has been for over a year, doesn’t mean I want it back. It doesn’t mean ending it was wrong. It means I have felt enough pain in the last decade to last a lifetime and that pain isn't going to go away overnight. Yes it's better, and yes most days I really am fine, and yes I am going to keep working through forgiveness everyday. However, that pain is going to creep up at unexpected times and possibly be unleashed on unsuspecting people. There are going to be days that the overwhelming grief of the life that is gone will be there, but there is also going to be the realization that what is coming is far better than what lies behind. 

So here’s to the days that I fall apart but refuse to set up camp and live in the sorrow. Here’s to the people who are okay with that and support me through it.  It’s those people that have shown me not everyone is the same and that some people are worth the risk of trusting. Here’s to the future. Here’s to Tyler Knott Gregson who said, “I may fall apart, but I will never lose the pieces. I will always see the picture that they create, and my hands bloody, cracked, trembling, and tired, will never stop fumbling to put them back together”.  

Love:: I Still Believe in You!

It's been almost 9 months since I completely imploded my world. One would think that I would be treading water in an ocean of chaos, and drowning in an abyss of unknown, but incredibly I've never been able to swim this freely in my whole life. That's not to say that I have everything figured out. God knows that I am generally just making the moves up as I go. It's incredible what you can learn about yourself in such a short time. When you start doing what makes you happy, and being around people that make you smile, you start to realize not only who you are, but also exactly who you never want to to be again. I have spent the last few months learning how it looks to be loved by others and how to truly love others in return. I have poured over scripture and Pinterest quotes (just trying to keep it real) and have come up with some pretty profound notions, Not just about romantic love but love in general and I felt it necessary to share my findings.

Disclaimer:: Due to Pinterest Quote Influence (and possible obsession) I can not guarantee that these are all original thoughts. :-)

Love Does Not Equal Fear: 1 John 4:18 says, There is no Fear in Love. Perfect love drives out fear. When you love and are loved there should be total comfort.  No pressure to be someone you aren't, no need to weigh your words or over think what you are doing. There are no awkward moments, because it's okay to be weird, and sometimes a little crazy. You can be yourself and not think twice because you have no reason to hide. There is no oppression or expectation for you to be anything other than exactly who you are. Manipulation and humiliation are not love and therefore have no place in any of your relationships.  The most beautiful thing in the world is to be able to love someone and to also be completely free at the same time. 

Loving Someone Will NOT Complete You: - Jerry McGuire makes me insane.  The notion that you have to find a missing part of your soul is crazy. We are not called to find others to complete us, because two incomplete people can never come together to create a whole person. We have to learn to be so in love with ourselves, so happy with who we are, that being loved by someone else and giving love in return, is just a bonus in our already fulfilled lives. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we should never look for love or people to share our lives with!  It's nice to have others be there to kiss our wounds, pick us up, dust us off, and love us even when we aren't very lovable, but we can't expect them to be our happiness. They will fail every time and leave us feeling even more incomplete than before! 

Loving Someone Should Balance You - There is a difference between looking for friendships or relationships that complete you and knowing that you need balance. You can't expect to be exactly alike! You have to see everyone for who they are and while you appreciate the similarities you also have to celebrate the differences. For instance, since I see details I need people in my life that see big pictures.  I like to get things done, say what needs to be said, and sometimes take things up to 11, I need people who will say, "hey, let's stop and think".  I need people that keep me grounded when I want to soar into a tirade, and remind me to breath when I have allowed the fierce and fiery side to take control.  Most strong relationships rarely has two strong people at the same time. You have take turns being strong you have to balance each other out. 

Love can be Quiet - I think a lot of people expect love to always be this dashing thing, this relentless adventure, a constant eruption of emotion. Of course it can be and that's okay, it's most exciting when it is, but what happens when all that is gone?  Everything that exists after "being in love" wears off is what love truly is.  The part that brings peace to your mind, that quiets your soul and yet awakens it in ways you never expected, that's love. There should be periods of silence, where space is shared, but words need not be spoken, because you just understand each other. You trust without thinking, because you aren't afraid to believe in the person sitting beside you. You can just be still in their presence and know everything is going to be okay. 

Love, Desire, and Attachment Are NOT The Same Thing - Just because someone has a desire to be with you does not mean that they truly love you or value you. Desire is about coveting, about possession, about wanting to have something.  Once you have what you desire it is easy to place it on a shelf and never look at it the same again. Especially, because people desire things that are pretty, and perfect, and unbroken, but once they realize they have not found that in you they find it easy to walk away. Attachment is about fear and dependency. When you find yourself attached to something it has more to do with loving yourself as opposed to loving that person. You have become comfortable and fear losing what you have even though you aren't truly loving them. Desire and Attachment are all about filling a void, and taking what is in someone else, and trying to use it to make your world better.  Love without attachment is the most incredible thing, because it's all about what you can give because you are full, not what others can give to make you feel whole. 

Of course this is just a brief synopsis of what I have been shown over the last few months, I am so appreciative of all the people in my life that have helped me to see what actual love really looks like. I think after our hearts have been broken and tormented we have to make a choice.  Do we allow ourselves to believe that love doesn't exist, and isn't obtainable, or do we find people who are worth the risk??

Broken

Hi, My Name is Chelcie, and I'm Broken.  Congratulations...you are too. The truth is we are all broken. Maybe not to the same extent, but because we aren't perfect, and our world isn't perfect, we are all broken. Everyone has a story, and everyone has a part of their life that they wish wasn't there.  We've all been writing our stories all of our lives. Some of us on our own, some with the help others, and some of us just straight gave our pen to someone else and said "here you do it".  It didn't occur to me until last year that I have the power (80s kids you said that like He-Man), and it's up to me to get my pen, and start writing a story I can be proud of. 

The truth is a lot of my story scares me. Some days the twisted truths that are my life are inconceivable even to me, but they are a part of me, and they made me who I am.  So I refuse to ask for a rewrite!  In my 32 (almost 33) years I have learned so many things, mainly because I have made 1000 mistakes. I am who I am because of all the things that have happened to me.  So today I choose to appreciate the mistakes, the wrongs, and the heartaches. I choose to understand that it took making wrong choices, for me to appreciate integrity, and doing the right thing. It took 100 wrongs to make me fully appreciate all the amazing rights. It took my heart aching and breaking into a 1000 pieces to be able to put it back together and make it better than it was before.  It took a slew of people who weren't real friends, to appreciate the people that I have now, the ones that are willing to pick me up, hand me super glue and say, "I don't care that you're broken, get up, and let's get this fixed". It took me knowing what love isn't to appreciate what love truly is. It took looking at a whole lot of ugliness to really be able to find the beauty in each day. 

No one wants to be broken but everyone is. Breaks happen! No one is immune from being hurt, but in that hurt we have a choice to make. We can choose to sit around forever staring at the pieces, or we can pick up the super glue and get to work!! My heart will never be perfect, but in the end it will be a beautiful mosaic masterpiece that is far better than the original.